The stages of grief through renewal in six weeks
The pandemic was difficult, and many people experienced major shifts during that time. However, my big shift happened during these past six weeks of not being able to do anything or go anywhere and depending on others (mostly my boyfriend) to take care of me. At least during the pandemic, I was able to walk into the woods every day on my own. I was free to do that, though I did not go to the social events that I loved, especially music jams. I missed those because playing music with others for me is always a special experience for me. Thus, I became involved in Zoom and ukulele jams on Zoom. They’re not the same as real-life. I think music, the woods and writing (different orders at different times) saved me during the pandemic. Literally!
But these past six weeks have been a real test of my patience and ability to “get by” without walking outside on the trail or into the woods. The daily ritual that grounded me and sometimes even saved me was taken away.
I went through various stages of grief and reborn but in a different way. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and renewal!
I took a break from writing posts here because I didn’t want to sound too depressing. But then I realized that I made it through the journey of what I perceived as despair to the other side. This post is super long with photos and videos. It took me a while to process everything I went through. So here it is — my journey to Acceptance and Renewal.
I’m back better than ever!
Denial
At first, after the surgery, I was in lots of pain, as in, this can’t be happening.
Day #8 December 13, 2022. I’m hanging in there. Only five more weeks to go, one week down. I’ve got my cute skinny tree with imagine peace and love and the Beatles mixed in with the red stocking 2022 ornament my friend Lina made me blended in with some of my mom’s precious ornaments my sister saved all those years ago when I accidentally threw the box off the cliff at the city dump. I’m so grateful to have these angels and ballerinas. The past mixed with the present and the future.
Today the sun shined in through the window and I opened the door and allowed the cool air to blow in. I saw the sun over the trees in the hills and Spencer butte summit. I wanted so badly to go outside. Five more weeks. The cool air helped.
I’m a not as joyful as usual, but thoughtful. Hiba just texted and she and Raymond are taking a bus over here to visit me yay! My hiking buddies! Maybe the three or four of us can figure out a way to break me outta here.
Seeing Hiba and Raymond lifted my spirits and made me think, oh this won’t be so bad. I’ll be out walking among the trees in no time. I love hiking with them because they appreciate and love the trees as much as I do.
Anger
Then I became angry because I couldn’t get outside to walk. It’s not fair, I thought. WHY ME? Why did this happen to me? Why did I suddenly have foot problems? I’m trying to do a good thing by walking. It’s a healthy, wonderful thing to do. Walking in nature, forest bathing or whatever they call it. Right? Then I’m like, okay, maybe I can figure out some things to do.
But now my writing computer has gone haywire! This sucks. Why? I’m trying to bargain here and now this? And the internet is messed up as well.
To top everything off, I woke up to find that my PC is dead as a doornail. I balanced dangerously on one foot to see if it was plugged in. Looks like it? Omg. Do not freak out, I told myself. You’ve saved most of your writing on the external, at least you think so. Or maybe it’s on the cloud. Life is scattered like all the data on my computer. I’ll piece it together somehow.
Day #11. I haven’t left this room in 11 days. Apparently, we are low on bandwidth for internet though it worked fine for years. It can’t be fixed until the new year. Yes, we are in the dark ages here and I’m stuck in this room. Talk about bad timing. My PC works but is now dying a slow death.
Now I’m really bummed out… I guess I might as well just sit around and do nothing and wait for things to change.
Bargaining
Day #12. I’m still holding on. It’s not all bad because my brother Michael and great nephew Iyumni visited. I did not get photos. Michael and I got into a lively argument about whether there was one teacher for special needs kids in the 60s at our school or two people. We also talked about some of our classes. I insisted there was only one but he said no there were two how come he remembers that and I don’t? I’m the one writing about all this, but we did agree on some things generally. We usually argue about small facts, not any of the big stories. So far! He’s going to going to be one of my beta readers so we discuss the stories often now.
Michael and Yumi are heading for the coast so that they can honor our mom at the Yaquina head lighthouse in Newport which he does every time he is in this area. Then he will visit auntie Jann in Siletz. Tomorrow, he heads back to New Zealand where it’s springtime.
It’s a beautiful 44° day outside in the sun is shining bright and I am here with the door open taking it all in Internet is working intermittently so at times we do have decent Internet, the only device in this room that is consistently fast happens to be my work computer of course. I need to go back to work on Monday night. No issues with that computer on Ethernet. Only for two nights though. I am nervous about whether I can sit comfortably with my foot elevated for eight hours plus. I can always write or edit on my iPhone or iPad when I need a break from sitting at the computer. All my docs now reside on my iCloud and one drive. I am relieved. Even if internet gets wonky, docs will save.
I long to go outside… maybe next week when I tackle the steps for the doctor appointment. I’m still hanging on and attempting to bargain my way out of depression.
Day #13 — December 18, 2023 (I think?). Tomorrow marks two weeks and my first doctor appointment with the surgeon is on Tuesday. I must get down those three steps between rooms and I will. I slept in majorly today after waking up early, watched a great holiday movie on Netflix called the Noel Christmas. Then I attended the Story Summit zoom party and talked to my friends, Donna and Lina on Zoom, but the Internet actually worked well enough for me to succeed in these endeavors.
The sweetest thing today was receiving these pictures of a little Scrunch with Santa. He’s always been afraid of Santa in previous pictures. Although last year, he seemed to tolerate him, but he was with his brother and sister this year he not only happily hung out with Santa. He even hugged him! It’ll Isaac is four now and growing up so fast. Now to find out what my other grandkids are up to and hopefully there will be a picture of all three of them with Santa at some point I feel like the least busy person in the world right now which is unusual because I used to be the busiest. It’s hard to explain.
Day #14 — December 19 (I think). Tomorrow, I have a doctor appointment with orthopedic surgeon. Today I was so excited and honored to receive a “Her Spirit” scarf from my dear friends, Donna and Deb. It goes so well with my magic hat. I’m working tonight and it’s kind of tough. Hard to stay comfortable in computer chair and desk for longer than two hours. Taking a break every couple of hours. Hopefully that will work. Lots of exciting things happening with my book. Study tuned. Tomorrow I’ll get to cruise down hallways at the clinic in my knee scooter. And see some outdoors.
Later in the early morning hours of December 20, 2022. Just chilling with Guinness, the Cat at 2:10 am. Another late night here in the room. I think it’s just about day 14 or 15. I made it through two weeks. I got hung up on writing the letter 2022 and attempting to get past it. It’s emotional for some reason. Also thinking about my doctor appointment on Tuesday and how I’ll get to use my knee scooter down the hallways of the clinic. After the appointment I’ll insist that savoy takes me to a store with those motorized chairs! That’s gonna be so fun!
Day #15. December 20, 2022 at Slocum Clinic. I’m at Slocum Clinic waiting to go in. I’m out! Riding around on my knee scooter here is fun! Savoy was mad because I refused wheelchair and they offer nice ones at the front entrance. He claims this is not supposed to be fun but safe. Geeez. I said I could get around perfectly well on knee scooter and I am. He didn’t agree so we agreed to disagree. He doesn’t come into the clinic anyway but waits in the car.
The three stairs weren’t hard, and I worried so much about them. Two weeks of using the knee scooter and building arm strength really makes a difference.
Omg! Five incisions. Wow my feet haven’t looked like regular feet in years!
Now the stitches are gone and I have a purple cast. Remember nightmare before Christmas? There’s a doll person named sally. She’s constantly sewing her body parts back on. Arms, legs…! This reminded me and it made me laugh.
I now have a heavy and rigid purple cast on my foot and ankle almost up to my knee. When the nurse took the stitches out, it reminded me of sewing. I can’t move my foot or ankle at all. But tonight, I saw Christmas lights and that made me happy! Peace has returned to my neighborhood along with love and joy and all is right with the world and the trees agree… oh the trees. It was dark but I could see the shadows as we drove by.
Tonight, memories of Christmas 2021 make me sad that I won’t see my Grandkids this Christmas. Charlotte sang the song, “Last Christmas” several times while I played hte ukulele. It’s her favorite Christmas song this year as well.
Today I remember that one year ago today I drove from to the cabin in the woods with Stevie and Flower to visit my grandkids, Jeremy and Erika and the doggies for a Christmas before Christmas celebration. My little car was crammed full of presents and Stevie’s medical equipment and poor flower sat in the back kind of squished. We saw lots of snow in the mountains on the way. It was fabulous to hang with everyone in such s beautiful place. Melissa visited and made cookies with the kids and sometimes it was loud and crazy, not just because of the kids but because of my boys Jeremy and Stevie who crack jokes and get crazy and loud. Only this time Jeremiah joined the craziness as well! We sang songs and I played my Uke and Charlotte sang Last Christmas for us word for word. Jeremiah played settlors of Catan with us and did very well.
The only one missing was Megan so we had to FaceTime her and I also photoshopped her into the family photo. Jerry and Rosie were still with us, and so we’re Niko and Archie. I remember I took a long walk into the woods and became slightly lost. But I found my way back. Oh, and we hit the beginning of a snowstorm on the way home! We missed most of it though and snow arrived in Eugene on Christmas night and stayed for a week! It was glorious and I didn’t have to drive anywhere. I tromped around in the snow and trekked into the woods to see the trees transformed. I had no idea my feet would betray me less than six months later.
Last Christmas was so different. So wonderful.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart…
Day #16. December 21, 2022. Happy solstice my friends! It’s day 16 for me and I can feel the light and energy of the shift. 26 more days to go!! I think of my favorite tree and the woods and bask in the warmth of all the trees that surround us here in our little neighborhood and I think of my family and all those I love… it is a time of new beginnings and lighter.
It’s all about love and family traditions. Keeping the spirit alive through generations. The sweet smell of fresh roses and flowers fill my room and I breathe in deeply. Ahhhhh! My beautiful niece Merehuka, her husband Cecilio and baby Manawa visited us tonight. They brought me the beautiful flowers. Manawa is a full fledged active toddler into everything yet so adorable. Oh my gosh. I can tell he gives his mom and dad a run for the money! Their older son Iyumni was visiting his grandma today. But I saw him when my brother visited.
We had such a sweet visit though not a long one and twice I accidentally referred to my brother as your brother to Merehuka. That was funny. They’re about yo embark on a three month adventure in New Zealand, the whole family. Merehuka will be able to continue her telecommute job from there. The summer solstice just happened there, so they’ll be in New Zealand during the summer months, and then return to Oregon when spring and summer hits. How cool is that? I think their eventual goal is to move over there because Merehuka is from New Zealand and her parents and one of her sisters already live there again I hope someday I can visit them in New Zealand, but Merehuka reminded me I have to get rid of any fear of flying because it’s a long flight! Yes, yes I will.
Merehuka and I also talked about stories and writing and how important writing is to her just as it is to me. We are both sharing the stories of our lives whether it’s fiction or non-fiction. I love talking about stories with her. She is so amazing.
After they left, I decided to take a nap because I felt burnt out. When I awoke it was around 10 o’clock and for a few minutes I thought it was already morning. What a weird feeling to wake up and not know where they’re at night or morning, and I saw that Erika had sent me wonderful pictures of my grandkids with Santa and on the merry-go-round , I was so happy to see those photos that I almost cried but I cannot believe how grown up they are now I especially noticed it after visiting with my great nephew Manawa. They’re like regular kids now at the golden age. I love the funny smirk on Jeremiah’s face, and all of them in their chosen spots on the carousel. I love my family so much. and the babies are growing up.
Day #17. December 22, 2022. Day 17 slipped by, and Guinness the Cat agrees. No, you do not want to go outside tonight. It’s icy and 26 degrees. I woke up late today. My sleeping schedule is weird when I don’t go anywhere. I still smell the beautiful roses my niece and her husband brought me. Watched a Christmas movie with Savoy, Father Christmas returns with the guy who played Fraser. It was cute and funny. We’re kind of limited because of the way our Internet service is going so we take what we can get and enjoy it.
Tonight, I feel melancholy and sadness washes over me. I miss the kids and grandkids so much that it hurts. I long to hug them and hold them and hear them laugh and run around and have fun. I miss my grown kids. I want Megan to visit me and I really want to meet Melissa’s new girlfriend. I got to meet her on FaceTime yesterday. That was so much fun, and I could not be happier for her. Stevie is going to come visit me, but he has been stuck in Salem due to the bad weather, I miss them all and I miss everything that I love my boyfriend who went to the store and the pharmacy for me today I did my laundry. All I had to do was fold my clothes. He also fixes dinner for me and does pretty much everything because I can’t do anything. And I know I’m grateful to have him in my life. We definitely have our issues, but there is love. I just want it all I want him, and I want my family. I just love them so much, everybody.
I did receive a mystery gift in the mail today and I haven’t opened it up yet. I’m not really sure who it’s from. It’s in a package wrapped with candy on top. I admit I’ve already eaten a couple of the Reese’s peanut butter cups how could I resist. I’m not sure when I’m going to open it. This is so much fun. Have a wonderful evening or morning, whatever time it is where you are, and now I’m even more confused than ever because of my family in New Zealand. May your weekend be filled with happiness peace and love. Oh, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be back tomorrow sweet dreams.
Day #20 — December 25 — Christmas Day. Random thoughts in the early morning hours. of Christmas. How many moms and dads and friends of moms and dads still awake right now? Cmon admit it! I was up until at least 4am every Christmas Eve night or rather early Christmas morning. Every. Single. Year. Without fail. It’s been a while, but I still remember the kids bouncing out of bed at 6am… that was rough!
Merry Christmas from me, Stevie, Flower and Savoy. hopefully I’ll see the rest of my family on zoom tonight!
I finally opened my special secret gift today! And I am so excited about this cover for my knee scooter. It really does feel nice on the knee when you use it as much as I do, you need that thank you so much for thinking of me, Lori James! This was the only present that I got to open this year! I love this!
Perfect Christmas meal! Blueberry pancakes and eggs! Yum!
As Christmas night draws to a close, I noticed the flowers my niece brought me remain alive and vibrant. And new buds have formed. It’s the same excitement I feel when spring makes it appearance on the trail… the aroma remains strong reminding me that spring is around the corner and soon I’ll be back on those trails once again. Ahhh! Christmas night. I did get to speak to each of my kids today and my sister.
When you’re stuck in one room, what else is there to do but play a bunch of Christmas songs? Right? (too many Christmas songs I know…watch at your own risk! and continue reading below!)
Day #21. December 26, 2022. The miracle of flowers and nature. Last night that second lily had not bloomed yet. When I woke up today, I saw that it had bloomed in all its glory. Oh my gosh, so beautiful and magical and look there’s another one there that still hasn’t even bloomed yet and to sing my niece got me these flowers last Tuesday and look how beautiful they still are that’s the miracle of nature and flowers. These reminders help to keep me going as I sit here in recovery mode.
December 27 — Day #22
Yay! It’s day 22 folks!!! I’m at the halfway mark! Three weeks from today on January 17, 2023 I get this cast off. My doctor will have x-rays done and they’ll put a boot on and I will immediately begin physical therapy. I’ve started making the appointments now to make sure I can get in somewhere right away.
I am so ready. If PT causes a bit of discomfort or pain that is OK with me. I have big motivation; I know that I will be walking on the trail soon. Maybe not in the woods immediately but at least around the neighborhood on the soft trail.
I think I’ve mentioned before that I have seen other people on the trail who are building up strength and some walk in circles more than once. There’s a nice lady who suffered from a stroke and she walks with her husband now she doesn’t have to hold his hand when they walk, I’ve seen people limping and using crutches on the trail and elderly people, so it’s really not a running trail it’s for everyone. I have faith that I will be walking that trail before the end of January.
It’s day 23 with 20 days to go and what did I do today? Not much! Hung out in bed all day because I was feeling a little under the weather and I worked til 3am. took a nap. Woke up. Opened the door and breathed in the late afternoon fresh air outside. Took some photos and felt the coolness of the outdoors. Drank hot tea and watched a Christmas movie on my iPad. No pain in my foot or calf these days, but I just can’t get comfortable for any length of time. Except on the bed where I can put my foot up. I can tell I’m healing. But 20 more days? Okay I won’t say it again. This has gotta be one of my laziest days ever! Guinness the cat doesn’t seem to mind.
Happy 40th birthday to you, my fabulous daughter Melissa! I love you so much, and I love to see you follow your dream. You’ve always worked so hard for everything in life and I know you’ll succeed in every way. You’ll be the best nurse ever! You deserve all the good things in life and then some. Thank you for always being there for me and all of us.
Dec. 30, 2022. Prancer! I love this movie though I’ve seen it countless times. It was Megan’s favorite movie! Tonight, I watched A Christmas Story, A Christmas Story Christmas which was also a good movie, though it’ll never quite compare to the original. And now Prancer. Watching these movies remind me of hanging out with my family because every year we’d watch them and others as well.
Day 23 flew by and now I’m on day 24. I think I only have 18 more days before I get the cast off and it’s almost the new year. Yesterday I became a couch potato and decided to make myself comfy and watch movies. I rarely watch more than one movie at a time, I usually have to do other stuff after a movie, but it was different yesterday. I watched a Christmas story, a Christmas story, Christmas, Prancer, and then the Secret Garden. I had never seen the Secret Garden, but it was one of my favorite books. When I was a kid watching those movies reminded me of hanging out with my family and ending with the Secret Garden was perfect because the last line I believe is the last line in the book as well. And all the flowers and birds and trees, and everything just made me happy. It made me remember that when I was a kid, I loved books that had a sense of place where I felt like I was there, and the Secret Garden was definitely one of them.
I think I read the book like 10 times as a kid.
If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a Garden.
Frances Hodgson Burnett
I went to sleep last night, thinking of a beautiful garden filled with trees and a creek flowers. This time I actually recognize some of the flowers. I got Savoy to watch a Christmas story Christmas with me. We agreed it was a good movie. And prancer is just so beautiful.
Happy almost 2023! I think today is day 25, but I have lost track. All I know is as of tomorrow it’s just 16 days and I wake up before I get this cast off and I can start physical therapy and get back on the trail soon thereafter. Peace, love and joy, along with all the trees surround us here and today the sun peeked out for a little while reminding us she’s still there behind the clouds. She never truly leaves but she hides sometimes. Here’s to a fabulous new year filled with new adventures and enlightenment.
What a night! Internet has been out for hours in the entire area. I have like one or two bars on my cell phone so there is that I’m hanging on for dear life then I decide to blow dry my hair and I plugged it in to a different outlet than usual because I wanted to be able to sit down with my foot up, Savoy was down the street visiting one of the neighbors. Suddenly, the living room went completely dark. Apparently, the blow dryer blew a fuse. My phone was not on me as it usually is I had it on the other side of the room charging and it was pitch black in here so there I was in the chair, attempting to make my way to the other side of the room, which took quite a while. Finally, I found my phone and was able to call someone to come to my rescue. Now there is light again just no Internet. Oh well happy new year anyway.
Happy new year!! I’m still at my neighbor’s pad chilling and playing music. Best way to spend new year's is to play music with my good friends and Savoy and share the love. Thinking of my family and friends. Happy 2023!
January 2, 2023. It’s now 2023! Last night before we ventured to the neighbors’ pad, I insisted that Savoy drive me around the neighborhood. I have not really been outdoors at all since I returned from my last doctors appointment I was delighted to see the love lights, the piece lights on the joy lights. Still shining brightly their essence will remain long after they’re finally turned off until later this year. I also saw some other cool lights you can see flamingos, and one set of lights and the other is just an amazing group of characters. I even got to say hi to all the trees because we drove right past the woods where I enter the trail even though it was in the 30s I had to open up my window and smell the trees. I was so excited to go outdoors I didn’t even wear a jacket. Sometimes it’s a little things.
I was able to bring in the new year, surrounded by my neighbors, my boyfriend and wonderful friends playing music. At midnight Howie play an awesome edition of our Auld Lang Syne on his guitar, and we all sang along. And I knew all the words. We stayed over there till almost 3 AM why not? All we had to do was walk to the next doorway of course that was not an easy feat because there are porch steps and I needed help to get down them. It’s just so weird for me to have to depend on others.
Woke up super late today, of course. We had sipped on some champagne last night and neither of us drink very much. I found myself missing my family today, but I also told myself that they all have their own lives and that is definitely a good thing. I have my own life too. The Internet has been down for about 36 hours. Now here we have no idea what’s going on or why and you can’t get a hold of anyone like a human being, just a recording that says Internet is down at your address. I have one or two small bars on my cell phone, so I have a tiny bit of cell phone access, which allows me to get on Facebook, but I can barely open pictures. I realized that even though this is a pain in the you know where, I am grateful that at least we still have electricity, there are people out there without it. Savoy went upstairs and hooked up a DVD VHS player talk about old school. He also has like hundreds of movies in the DVD and VHS that he never got rid of.
Also, my PC has a DVD player built-in. It still works really well. Ironically, a technician is supposed to come out tomorrow and install a new modem and more bandwidth. Don’t know how much you can do if there’s no Internet. At least we can find out what the problem is! You don’t realize how much you rely on the Internet until you have to do without it sure there’s a lot of things I can do without the Internet, but still.
Last night we went around the room and stated what our intentions were for the year. I just blurted out what came to me.
Cultivate my relationships with my friends and family.
Become a published author. And begin work on a new project, market my book.
Continue to play music, but that goes without saying, just like writing.
Walk on the trails again with no pain in my feet, which will be healed and stronger than ever.
Embark on as as many adventures, as I possibly can. Road trip!
That’s about it. Of course, there are probably more but those are definitely the ones that came to me in my word for the year is miracle.
2022 wasn’t all bad. I got to see Paul McCartney twice. How cool is that one time I got to see him with my youngest daughter and my good friend in LA and I got to visit with my baby girl Megan I got to attend the Oregon country fair for the first time, I’ve visited California three times this past year two more times after the Paul McCartney adventure. I finally purchased a resonator ukulele made in Oregon. savoy and I travel to Crescent city where we visited the giant redwood trees, Smith, river, and the ocean. Yet again I was able to spend some quality time with my grandkids at the cabin in the Woods. I was able to visit with her older daughter, Melissa, and all my kids are doing well right now, as far as I know. I was able to go on countless walks in the magical woods and watch the seasons change. I made new friends on the trail. I finished a complete draft of my memoir, how do I explain this to my kids? I’m sure other stuff happened to, but this is what I can think of right now.
I’m excited to see what adventures 2023 brings. Bring it on buckle up your seatbelt and let’s go. road trip!
My friend Michelle has challenged me and my friends. Every day this year, we’ll write about something we’re grateful for. I love this! I do try to be grateful for all the good things in my life even when it’s not going my way. For example, I’m so frustrated with this “staying off my right foot” thing. I’m ready to pack it in, but I know I can’t. And I know it’s temporary. Yet there are still so many good things to be grateful for, such as playing my ukulele with others and singing. Or writing and reading, or watching a movie.
Oh yes, I am so grateful that our internet finally returned this afternoon after over three days of no internet. So yes, I am working tonight after all.
What I’m really grateful for, however, are my writer friends in the “Year of Memoir” class and at Story Summit and for Debra Engle and Amy Ferris for taking the helm. See, I was feeling a bit down because I have not completely finished my book, which I said I would definitely finish by the end of the year. Well, it’s the new year. My book is not finished, however, I have a solid draft of the entire book. Some of the chapters have been edited two or three times. Others have been edited many more times, and a few still need editing. But I have a full first draft and then some. Now I can truly call myself a writer. I feel as if I’ve been on this major journey filled with wonderful memories, sad memories, grief and everything in between. Writing a memoir is an emotional journey. And this past year, I traveled the distance. I put everything else aside to take the road trip of our lives, not just my life, but the lives of my kids, my grandkids, my siblings, my Mom and Dad and Grandma, and all of our friends like family who traveled the road of life with us at various times or for a long time.
For that, I am grateful.
Guinness the cat and I look out the window together. And the miraculous flower bouquet still blooms with new flowers and the scent still fills the room! my niece brought them here two weeks ago. Savoy keeps just the right amount of water in the vase and cuts them back as needed. What a perfect gift these flowers have been.
In exactly two weeks, I have an appointment to get this rigid cast off, x-rays, then into a boot. I get to start physical therapy right away! I can hardly wait! Bring it on.
Today I’m grateful for the magical bouquet of flowers thst sit on the coffee table here in the room where I hang out. Every day another lily blooms. The flowers have been blooming for two weeks! They make me happy and smell wonderful. Lu lily Guinness the cat has no interest in eating the flowers. He did enjoy batting the red ornament around.
My beautiful grandkids, Jeremiah, Charlotte, and Isaak, all three together at the cabin. I love how close they are, and how happy they are to all be together. These photos are from today. Oh how I wish I was there with them I would give them a giant hugs and tell them how much I love them soon my love I will come and see you I promise.
I continue to send good vibes and prayers to all my friends in California right now as well as my family. That storm is serious stuff, and it hasn’t ended yet. I love you all so much.
Tonight, I am simply grateful for my family and for these beautiful grandkids of mine. My wish is that everyone stays safe during the storm.
Depression
Today is day 31 post-surgery with no weight on right foot. Twelve more days and I get this cast off Supposedly, physical therapy can start right away at six weeks.
To say that I am stir crazy is an understatement. This morning. I woke up and opened the back door. I gazed outside and felt the cool air against my face for a long time soon I will be able to walk the trail. At first, I may have to use a crutch or a cane, but that’s OK as long as I can be on the trail and feel my feet on the ground, that is all I ask for. Savoy went for a walk around the loop and I am so happy he did. Yeah I wish to be with him. He’ll probably have to go with me at first when I start to saunter down the trail and I want him to be in the habit of walking as well.
My walking friends, Hiba and Raymond return from their vacation adventures right about the time I get the cast off my foot. I’m already making plans. This is what is keeping me going at the present time. I know I will have to start slowly and that’s OK. I need to hear the creek flowing and smell the trees.
Also, I have decided that I will not take down any of my beautiful Christmas decorations until after I get this cast off and I may keep them up even longer because they make me happy, and I love them.
Day 32. Not sure of date. Nothing new to see here. Just Guinness the cat and the same glass door I see every morning when I wake up and look outside. And my cute little tree. So familiar. Sometimes the familiar gives me the greatest comfort. Knowing I am cozy and safe even as I fight the blankets with this rigid cast. This thing must weigh 20 pounds!
Last night, our friend Reena came over and we played Rummy. First one to make 300 points wins. and I won! I turn managed to beat savoy who almost always wins games. It was so much fun, and I find myself wondering why we don’t play cards here in this room more often. I needed this tonight.
Jan 8, 2023. This time I can honestly blame it on Guinness the cat. At approximately four AM, the scratching at the door began softly at first, and then louder. Obviously, he wanted to go out. When I did not comply, the meowing turned into loud obnoxious yells, as if the whole world would come to an end if I didn’t let him outside, so yes, I finally opened the door and let them out. And then I was awake and of course I couldn’t get back to sleep and I knew he would be back at the door in a few moments to come back in.
Now the sun has risen and it’s 8 AM here in Eugene Oregon. I still have not gotten back to sleep although I have dozed off. I wrote a bit on my iPhone so I have been somewhat productive. Guinness, the cat is now sound asleep, and I can hear his snores. Yes, my cat snores. It’s so cute. It’s a good thing I don’t have to go anywhere today.
In just nine days I get this rigid cast off my foot ankle and calf. I am definitely counting down the days. I already picture of myself on the trail across the street taking a few steps, slow, but sure. And then a few more. I can already hear Amazon creek flowing and smell the trees. I can see the snow berries and hear a couple of birds sing to each other I’m already there.
OK now I really need to try to sleep. This is insane.
Jan 12, 2023. Nothing new to see here. Pretty much the same old thing and the same view. Less than five days to go… but now I hear from a staff member that I might not be able to walk immediately. I’ll have to go to a couple of physical therapy sessions. No way! So today I decided to get the hang of the crutches. I failed miserably when I first tried them after getting out of the hospital, but I thought well my arms are a lot stronger now… just maybe I can do it. My poor left foot though it’s not in good shape is probably a lot stronger as well.
I tried it here in the room, and I was able to do it. I hopped across the room with the crutches, turned around and hopped back a couple of different times. I am so excited. I know I still have to be careful, but hopefully I’ll be able to put some weight on the right foot as well next week. one way or another I will walk! But what if the doctor says I cannot put weight on my right foot? I’m starting to freak out.
Jan 13–5:00 am. Crazy things can happen when insomnia strikes. It started with a good book that I was attempting to finish but still haven’t. It’s called Shadows of Pecan Hollow. It wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be about but it’s very intriguing and of course I want to know what happens next.
I decide I’m hungry at 5 AM so I scoot over to the cooler on my knee scooter and get out the almond milk and pour myself a small bowl of muesli cereal. The cat becomes excited and paws at me as I eat my snack. I give him a spoonful of almond milk and he sips out of my spoon. I continue to eat and then realize that I’m sharing a spoon with my cat. Is that weird? The kitty is one of my babies as far as I’m concerned. I end up giving him two more spoonfuls and he’s happy. He happens to love almond milk, but he only wants a little bit and he’s satisfied.
Now I lay here and think about my book. Any day now, the refurbished computer I ordered will arrive another All-in-One Dell computer, which I love, but for such a great price because it’s refurbished, these computers are meant for offices, which means they’re set up as workhorses as we call them in the world of work. It’s not new but it’s definitely newer than my current computer and 150 bucks is a deal for the computer you want. It’s all I can afford right now. A writer must have a dependable computer to work on even if she does scribble things on paper or write things in notes on the iPhone she needs a place to organize everything and work on edits. I will not make the end of the year deadline I set for myself. I feel bad.
Then I start to think about the trees in the woods and how much I miss them. I wonder how it’s going on the trails. We haven’t gotten the wind in the rain like they have in California, but we are getting a lot of rain as usual. I bet Amazon creek is really flowing right now. I long to be there. I want to get this physical therapy started and work as hard as I can so that I am back on the trail soon. I feel so much stronger and more confident already and I did right after the surgery 5 1/2 weeks ago.
Now Guinness the cat and I lay here, and I wonder how I will ever get to sleep. Luckily, I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow.
OK I guess I’ll try to sleep again. Good night my loves.
Acceptance
It’s Friday the 13th. I got out of the house today. Savoy had to take me to the bank. Went in on my knee scooter. next stop was the grocery store. Never thought shopping could be so fun until I got to ride around on a shopping scooter.
Now I’m chilling outside in the front for a while. It’s chilly but not too cold. I can hear the birds sing and Amazon creek flow across the street. and I smell the Douglas firs too.
And things even got better here! My good friend Christina visited me on her way to Vancouver Washington. She is another person moving up here from California. I was excited to see her, but I was also excited to be outdoors. Even though it began to rain I decided to stay outside and sit under the awning. Howie came out and visited me for a little bit too. I met Christina at Burning uke long ago and we’ve remained friends. She is a fellow ukulele player. Yay! We watch a couple of families saunter by on the trail across the street as well as some runners. I love sitting outdoors almost didn’t want to go back in, but I had to eventually after I said goodbye to Christina.
Oh my gosh! more excitement here tonight! My friend Tom Haig has published a memoir called Global Nomad! I didn’t know about this endeavor until recently. Tom has led an amazing life and I’ve had the privilege of hearing him play keyboards with various other musicians and bands and also, I was fortunate enough to jam with him, and other musicians. In fact, he was there when I first met Savoy. what a life he has led this memoir was published by Washington State university. He’s already had some speaking gigs and apparently will have more. I’m so excited for Tom. As soon as I realized he finished his book I ordered it right away. It’s coming faster than stuff I ordered from Amazon even. How cool is that? Dreams really do come true.
More good news!! my daughter, Megan, my baby girl, is coming up to Oregon to see me! She already bought her plane ticket. I miss her so much and I haven’t seen her since last May. she arrives on January 23 and leaves ths 27th!!! I’m so excited! I’ll probably be doing a little walking by then! See you soon Megan Hutchinson! I love you!
Jan 15
Yes I’m awake at 4:46 am. But I fell asleep at around 10pm tonight, something I rarely do. And I’m sure I’ll sleep some more at some point. I can hear the rain splatter against the window in and I feel cozy, warm and safe here with Guinness the cat. How fortunate and grateful I am for shelter and warmth.
Though I didn’t make it out of the house today, which is now yesterday, it was still a good day. One thing I’ve learned after almost six weeks of recovery is mindset and intention. I get to decide whether to feel sorry for myself or tired of the same old thing different day or whether to have a good day. This became clear to me on Friday when I had an amazing day. I love Friday the 13th and usually it is a good day for me, but this one was the best. I got outside. I got to hang out with my friends. I got to ride around in a shopping scooter. A friend of mine published a memoir and my baby girl is coming to visit me. What more could I possibly ask for in one day?
I realized every day can be a good day maybe not quite like Friday the 13th was, but it can still be great. Sometimes the same view is a good thing. It reminds us of where we are. Just two more days.
Last night I led led an online Beatles, ukulele, jam, and it was so much fun. You can never go wrong with Beatles music as far as I’m concerned, and Beatles jams continue to be popular for many people. Yes, my old dell all in one computer decided to act wacky during the jam in so many ways, but it didn’t take away any of the fun. My video display showed me as being a trippy, cartoon character, and I had to turn off my video few times when my display flickered. somebody mentioned I look like a character from yellow submarine and that’s pretty cool. Also, it was so slow, but I still pulled off the jam realizing this might be one of the last ones I lead on this particular computer. I’m waiting for the one I ordered to arrive. A couple of people did lead some songs but I had to lead most of them but that was OK. for some weird reason I got super emotional when I played and sang sng Let it Be. I’ve played it so many times I think it might have to do with putting the finishing touches on my book and my mom. she’s been on my mind lately. We ended with across the universe which seemed perfect to me.
After the jam, I felt drained as if I had exerted an incredible amount of energy. But truthfully, I had just been sitting at a computer playing and singing Beatles songs. I was also preparing for the jam Mark is leading next week; he’s honoring kazoo day. So I played kazoo on Lady Madonna and a couple other songs.
Music moves each and every one of us in different ways, either the lyrics or the music, or both resonate with us, and remind us of our lives. Sometimes we don’t know when it hits. All I know is last night I felt particularly emotional as I played inland sang the Beatles songs that I know and love so well, no matter how many times I play them they still make me happy or they remind me of places and people, as John Lennon sings in the song in my life, “there are places I remember all my love those some have changed …it can be any song in any genre that moves us.
It occurred to me that I could make sure that a song is related to every single chapter in my book. Actually, quite a few chapters do have songs mentioned in some way, but not all of them. Why do I keep giving myself more work to do this book needs to be finished. Maybe that’s why I suddenly felt tired. I just needed to sleep on it.
And I think I’m gonna sleep on it some more.
Jan 16
What a gorgeous day today. I feel the sun caressing my body right now and guess what? Tomorrow is the day I get my cast off. Finally. I can’t believe I made it through the six weeks I realize I have gone through all these different stages, and that this experience has been truly a shift for me, definitely more than even the pandemic. At least during the pandemic, I could walk to the woods every day. I am just so happy and excited. I’m also excited to start physical therapy right away. My first appointment isn’t until Friday. Bring it on!
Okay this is it. Finished my work night and about to sleep so I can wake up on time for my doctor’s appointment. I’m excited and nervous.
It’s 1:18 pm, and I’m my way to my doctor’s appointment. Right before we left, a big box arrived via UPS today. I think my Dell all in one PC has arrived. I’m hopeful.
Renewal!! At Slocum Clinic
When Dr. Zilkowski said she’d like me to use the Orthotics in my shoe as I did before surgery, and in my boot, for walking, I knew what was coming, and I felt so happy and overjoyed. I wanted to jump and down and hug the doctor, but I didn’t. I just said thank you more than once.
Walk on it as tolerated, wear the boot. you can take it off at night and when you take showers begin your physical therapy. The X-rays look great! You’re healing well, and I’m pleased.
She showed me before and after x-ray pictures and even with my lack of medical understanding, I could see a big difference in my right foot, ankle and calf.
My first physical therapy appointment is Friday. I have already walked around Walgreens a little bit using the shopping cart. Savoy couldn’t believe that I already can walk on my right foot. Yes, I am slow and limping a bit. It’s so wonderful to stand on two feet again.
When I told Jeremy and Erika the good news, Erika said that Isaak was climbing down a ladder at the playground for the very first time. Just like I started walking again today for the first time in six weeks. Hey scrunch, we are both smiling right now! We did it!
